Act 1: Feeling Guilty and Excessive Worrying

I used to have a fulfilling life with my family and my primary school friends. But when I was in secondary school, matriculation and even now, university I seem to have this some kind of habit or obsessed with feeling guilty for doing things and not doing things. I seem to have excessive worrying about things that even not related to me. Like when my friend suddenly acting odd and became silent, I always felt that it got something to do with me even though it is actually about someone else. Because my friend didn't tell me anything and she became moody suddenly not talking to me and anyone else and I will think that 'Did I said something bad to her? She mad at me?' Even though there is no accurate evidence showing that she mad at me.

In the end, I'm the one who will feeling down and worrying all the time. I will not be able to do any work or to even study. Is that normal? The fact that I have to become very careful with what I say to people, I still can accept that. The only people that I can say out loud is to my family members. Since I have some history with my secondary friends, I have been acting like this. I have the kind of personality that wants to please and help everybody. I can't even say 'no' to someone. When someone ask for my help or ask me to accompany them even though I was busy at that time like I have some assignments to do or some reading to do but I would still say 'yes' to please them and not making them mad at me. In the end, I rushed my work.

The reason I'm writing this right now was because yesterday my friends and I went out to dine out together. The thing that we always do. But yesterday, when we were inside the car, she was silent at the time and not talking to me. She acted cold toward me and the others. And I started to feel guilty even though I did not know what made her to be like that. So we ate together and she became okay after that. And today, she usually texted me to go out together but not today. We went out as usual and she acted cold again today. I just don't know what the hell is wrong with her. I'm feeling guilty and worried right now that whether she is mad at me or not.

I have this kind of habit since I was 13 years old.

Nad,
11.45PM, 6/8/2017

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