Mansuetude


I guess I'm someone who doesn't deserve friends. From primary school until now university, I always have to be concern about friends. Taking care of their feelings, not making them angry or feel disappointed in me. I have to control my action towards them like I can't be me. I'm afraid if I be me, they will hate me because I know how a person I am. When they suddenly talk less, it worries me. I will feel that it got something to do with me. I made them moody. They are not in the mood. They will ignore me. I feel that. And when that happens, I will do something that will lighten up the mood. I buy something for my friend or treat them something. Anything, that will make them feel better. That will make them laugh.

 When I try to start a conversation with them and they responded to me with a single word, I will be afraid. I don't know, is this some kind of traumatism or what. Is this some kind of disorder? Why do I have to feel like this whenever I go? Why I can't have a friend that will never feel disappointed in me? I admitted I did something wrong and I apologised but why they can't forgive me? Did they forget how happy we were when we spent time together? Is this really friendship? I wish, for once that I have friends that I will never be worried about how do I act in front of them, what I will talk to them, how I will treat them and they will never be disappointed in me. I wish I could be free.

 I lost too many friends. I'm afraid that I will keep losing friends. When they acted cold towards me, "Is she angry with me?" "I did something wrong?" "The other will hate me too." and eventually, I will cry.

xoxo, Nad

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