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Warm scent

있잖아그럴 때가 있잖아보고 싶어서 미칠 것만 같고당장 달려가고 싶을 때
Aku tahu dah terlambat untuk aku menyesal sekarang ni. Tapi entah kenapa tiba-tiba, ingatan tu muncul tanpa dipaksa. Sebab yang membuatkan kenangan tu muncul semula, aku sendiri kurang pasti. Mulanya, aku nak tengok kenangan yang lain tapi lama-kelamaan aku teringatkan kau. Waktu aku dan kau masih gelak sama-sama, kutuk sama-sama, sakitkan hati masing-masing. Aku rindu semua tu sebab kau seorang je kawan lelaki aku yang aku rasa penting sangat dalam hidup aku. Aku tau aku salah sebab masa dulu aku langsung tak sensitif pada keadaan sekeliling. Aku sebuk kan diri aku dengan orang lain, aku asyik nak kejar orang lain yang pada akhirnya aku sendiri terluka. Tapi walaupun macam tu, aku tetap tak sedar. Sehinggalah aku hilang kau.

Aku asyik seronok sendiri cakap pasal crush aku yang langsung tak tengok aku. Apa yang aku tulis pasal crush-crush aku dulu itu mainan budak-budak je. Crush. Kau lain, kau kawan baik aku. Aku marah-marah kau, kutuk-kutuk ka…

Act 1: Feeling Guilty and Excessive Worrying

I used to have a fulfilling life with my family and my primary school friends. But when I was in secondary school, matriculation and even now, university I seem to have this some kind of habit or obsessed with feeling guilty for doing things and not doing things. I seem to have excessive worrying about things that even not related to me. Like when my friend suddenly acting odd and became silent, I always felt that it got something to do with me even though it is actually about someone else. Because my friend didn't tell me anything and she became moody suddenly not talking to me and anyone else and I will think that 'Did I said something bad to her? She mad at me?' Even though there is no accurate evidence showing that she mad at me.

In the end, I'm the one who will feeling down and worrying all the time. I will not be able to do any work or to even study. Is that normal? The fact that I have to become very careful with what I say to people, I still can accept that. Th…

Inevitable

Assalamualaikum

After quite some times I left this blog hanging and here I am writing my thoughts at 12 midnight. Right now even I cannot be sure of what I feel, of what I want. When I think about that certain someone whom I liked during matriculation, there are still some lingering feelings. That is what I thought. Also, there is a time I noticed someone else. And today, that person really attract me.

I noticed him when he helped me during slide experiment. I was struggling to trim the slide and he was besides me nagged and I remember a sentence that came out from him 'Meh la sini aku buatkan untuk kau' just like during matriculation. Someone helped me during I was struggling with something. And when he trimmed the slide for me, I wanted to pick it up but I tore it and he said 'Sia-sia je usaha aku' Whyyyyyy

Then when I saw him, I wasn't smiling like how I always smiled when I see someone that I like. So I told my best friend and she said 'Lol no, you don'…

Unbearable

Finally, 2016 has come to its end. I do not wish for anything but I hope that I will become a better person in 2017 and will not care much about people. Because in the end, they will leave me. I hope that I will achieve all my targets which are to get dean list in every semester and just focus on my studies to make my parents happy. That is all.

From secondary school until now, I think I mischoosed my friends. After all, I'm the one that always care for their feelings. Like when they (she, actually) to accompany her to the cafe to buy food and I always replied with a yes. Just now, I asked her to accompany me to buy dinner later, she said 'Yang lain pun makan.' It is not about others, it is about you. And guess what, 'yang lain tak nak makan malam pun'! Lol, what am I actually to you? Someone that you could use whenever you want? Someone that you could use when you have no one? I bet I am.
I guess this is my punishment. I will never find any friends that actually t…

Thoughtless

Assalamulaikum.

"Sebenarnya pointer kita untuk exam final ni pun Allah dah tentukan. Study ke tak study ke pointer tu jugak yang kau akan dapat. So, tak payah lah study senang cerita. Tapi, kita boleh ubah nasib kita dengan usaha. Dan, kau pernah tak ada kawan yang sekuat mana dia study tapi result dia rendah? Walau kuat mana pun kau study, kau usaha kalau Allah tak nak bagi, tak dapat. Tapi kau kena ingat, Allah suka dengan orang yang berusaha. Sebab tu, walaupun kita tahu result kita untuk final ni dah ditentukan, still kena berusaha untuk lebih baik dan kita kena ubah niat tu, berusaha kerana Allah. Baru Allah bagi."
This make me realized that after all these achievements, I was not still good enough as a muslim. My hard work all this time to get to where I'm standing right now, it was all insincere. Sincerity was not with me. All this time I studied real hard which I thought I did it because of Him was not sincere at all. I studied for high pointer, high marks and of…

Momente

Assalamualaikum and greetings to you.

Final week is coming so I'm in the middle to start my preparations. Why I became so lazy after I registered into university? It's not like university life is easier so I can be so free, no. I don't why but I haven't revised or mastered any topics on Anatomy & Physiology or Biochemistry. Too lazy to handle. I could spend my whole day on my bed, sleeping. Perhaps I'm tired, that's what I thought at first but it couldn't be tired because I haven't done anything much that could make me so tired to sleep all day. Let's just say that I am lazy.

What I feel about last week has improved. Maybe we just knew each other and we still have a lot time to be spent together. This is only the phase where we can knew each other a lot more and knew what kind of a person we are. I hope that we will get to overcome every hardships that we may face together throughout the 4 years we will be together. I was thinking, if we were to…

Mansuetude

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I guess I'm someone who doesn't deserve friends. From primary school until now university, I always have to be concern about friends. Taking care of their feelings, not making them angry or feel disappointed in me. I have to control my action towards them like I can't be me. I'm afraid if I be me, they will hate me because I know how a person I am. When they suddenly talk less, it worries me. I will feel that it got something to do with me. I made them moody. They are not in the mood. They will ignore me. I feel that. And when that happens, I will do something that will lighten up the mood. I buy something for my friend or treat them something. Anything, that will make them feel better. That will make them laugh.

 When I try to start a conversation with them and they responded to me with a single word, I will be afraid. I don't know, is this some kind of traumatism or what. Is this some kind of disorder? Why do I have to feel like this whenever I go? Why I can…